Album, Single and EP Reviews


  If Your Dad Doesn't Have a Beard, You've Got Two Mums by The Beards

If Your Dad Doesn't Have a Beard, You've Got Two Mums cover art

Artist: The Beards
Title: If Your Dad Doesn't Have a Beard, You've Got Two Mums
Catalogue Number: No catalogue number
Review Format: EP
Release Year: 2012

Australia was once a place where the British Empire sent their criminals. In hindsight, they f*cked up royally. Descendants of said felons are getting the best of the weather and are more likely to have a job than the descendants of their former next-door neighbours. In addition, Australia has The Beards and their wonderfully-named EP signals their intent to exert their hairy-faced superiority over the rest of the world.

The EP begins with the title track. It’s a little bit country, they’re a little bit beardy. In little more than three and a half minutes, they lament the day that your father taught you how to shave and cast doubt upon the gender of your father. Hard-hitting stuff. This is probably what The Darkness wanted to sing about before finding that they couldn’t grow beards themselves.

The pogonic proselytising continues on “You Should Consider Having Sex with a Bearded Man,” which smacks of a much hairier Van Halen. Even the ladies – or worse, a non-bearded man such as myself – will find themselves singing along to the chorus.

“Got Me A Beard” is the ultimate ballad for the beard lover. This song will leave every bearded listener with a tear in his beard. Just think: if Freddie Mercury had managed more than just a moustache, he might still be around.

Well, maybe not, but you get the point. This band may be the silliest group around, but the music is good. Get a beard and get it bought.

Review Date: April 25, 2013